Sorry it's taken so long... but here goes.
Where was I? Oh yes. Was planning to buy presents and then this happened.
I got in the queue for immigration. An hour later I was still in the queue for immigration. What was most frustrating about this was that they kept opening new queues but taking the people from the BACK of our queue over to the new queue. Which would then get procesed super fast while we stayed in our S.L.O.W. queue. So the Jamaican lady in front of me had a shout at the immigration steward who was moving people around with no regard to who had been there first etc. She pointed out that 'It's like a freeway. You never know which lane is going to move faster."
Philosophical.
No one else seemed to be philosophical about it though and pretty soon this lady was getting dogs abuse. At this point, I had been in the queue for two hours and my concern had moved from not having time to shop to missing my connecting flight. I spoke to the Aristotle of US Immigration and she told me that I should have told her when I first got to the queue that I had a flight to catch. I pointed out that two hours ago and fifteenth in the queue I thought I had plenty of time to spare. "I'll see what I can do." she said.
Apparently what she could do was to move herself to work on another queue. That queue was far enough away that I would have to leave my queue and lose my place to go and talk to her again. Or shriek at her and probably take 65 bullets to the face by trigger happy yank wank guards.
Here's a sugestion LAX- since you insist on people who don't even want to enter you're shitty, bullying, capitalist pig dog country clearing immigration, how about you have seperate queues for those people who have connecting flights. It's hardly a giant mental leap.
So EVENTUALLY I cleared immigration and I still had to collect my luggage, clear customs, check in, clear security and board. My flight was boarding in twenty minutes. By the time I got to security my flight was boarding. The line was (Now I know I'm prone to a bit of exaggeration but this is the God's honest truth) 250 metres long. I whiped past the line to the security guard, certain that I could skip ahead as my flight was boarding. The security guard looked exactly like Adam Sandler wold if he was a couple of stone heavier.
I fucking hate Adam Sandler. The conversation went like this:
Lorraine: (A bit breathless after sprinting quite a bit, but smiling and friendly) My flight is boarding now
Fat Adam Sandler (FAD): (Smiling delightedly with a vacant look in his eye) Uh
Lorraine:( in a 'oh sorry, it's my accent, you didn't understand me' tone) My Flight. It's boarding now.
FAD: (Still DElighted with himself and nodding) Uh Uh.
Lorraine: So can I go through please?
FAD: Nope
Now here's what I should have said in order to make my point that I am a polite if somewhat stressed passenger and he is not being as helpful as I'm sure he is encouraged to be by his supervisor:
"Oh I understand now, See when you said, "Uh" I just assumed that you were one of those moronic, slow wited morans that your country specialises in the mass production of. But now I see you are in fact a rude and unhelpful neanderthal."
What I actaully said was "Cock sucking mother fucker" Which although harsher, makes me look like the nasty customer.
I can visualise his face now and I really really want to SLAP it.
I fucking hate LAX
Monday, February 18, 2008
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
LAX
Los Angelus Airport.
I FUCKING HATE the place.
I will be including a number of inflammatory words and links in the attempt to make this blog noteworthy to the American Government and so get my complaint letter on record by any means necessary.
George Bush, Death threat, Saddam Hussein.
The thing about passing through America on your way to somewhere else is that a while ago, some terrorists flew some of their planes into some of their buildings. This is very very very sad. And as a result they are conscious of security the way I am often conscious of my head after drinking nine bottles of wine.
Jihad, Osama Bin Laden, 9/11.
That's fair enough. Now it's quite frustrating that the response to this terrorism hangover is that, on a stopover, from one country to the next, I need to clear immigration, have my photo taken, get fingerprinted, collect all of my luggage, clear customs and go and check it all the fuck back in, clear security, get xrayed and finally go to my shitty departure lounge because LAX was built before a single person in America had any notion of class, comfort or style. But that's the price you pay for transiting in the States and the upside is it increases your luggage allowance.
Terrorism, National security, Suicide bomber.
However.
Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam.
They seem to have a further obligation to make this process as frustrating as possible.
War, Attack, Invasion.
So on my way home I had a three and a half hour stopover in LAX. 'Ah' I thought, 'I will stock up on books in Barnes and Noble'(books are weirdly expensive in NZ), 'I will visit MAC and MAX my credit card, I will investigate the shops for a present for Dee Bee's birthday.'
Day of reckoning, American infidels, Communism.
No no and no.
Bomb, explosion, incendary device.
I'll have to tell this in installments. I'm getting too angry.
I FUCKING HATE the place.
I will be including a number of inflammatory words and links in the attempt to make this blog noteworthy to the American Government and so get my complaint letter on record by any means necessary.
George Bush, Death threat, Saddam Hussein.
The thing about passing through America on your way to somewhere else is that a while ago, some terrorists flew some of their planes into some of their buildings. This is very very very sad. And as a result they are conscious of security the way I am often conscious of my head after drinking nine bottles of wine.
Jihad, Osama Bin Laden, 9/11.
That's fair enough. Now it's quite frustrating that the response to this terrorism hangover is that, on a stopover, from one country to the next, I need to clear immigration, have my photo taken, get fingerprinted, collect all of my luggage, clear customs and go and check it all the fuck back in, clear security, get xrayed and finally go to my shitty departure lounge because LAX was built before a single person in America had any notion of class, comfort or style. But that's the price you pay for transiting in the States and the upside is it increases your luggage allowance.
Terrorism, National security, Suicide bomber.
However.
Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam.
They seem to have a further obligation to make this process as frustrating as possible.
War, Attack, Invasion.
So on my way home I had a three and a half hour stopover in LAX. 'Ah' I thought, 'I will stock up on books in Barnes and Noble'(books are weirdly expensive in NZ), 'I will visit MAC and MAX my credit card, I will investigate the shops for a present for Dee Bee's birthday.'
Day of reckoning, American infidels, Communism.
No no and no.
Bomb, explosion, incendary device.
I'll have to tell this in installments. I'm getting too angry.
More stories
I have many more random travel stories that didn't quite make the grade while I was there. But I will include them here over the next few days/weeks.
I should say that the reason that I haven't updated here since I got back is because I have been in one of two states that precludes me from updating.
In work
Pissed
This morning it is Waitangi Day in NZ (the day they signed an agreement with Her Maj to let her have the country in return for her protection - this is the non controversial version of the treaty of Waitangi. In fact there are still a series of treaty claims and it's a big political lever. But this isn't really that kind of blog - google it if you're interested). Anyway the point is I'm at home. And although i have a hint of badger's arse in my mouth from last night's drinking I can at least type a sentence without gagging. That's probably because I restrained myself knowing that I was getting pissed today.
Anyway, which story to start with.....
I should say that the reason that I haven't updated here since I got back is because I have been in one of two states that precludes me from updating.
In work
Pissed
This morning it is Waitangi Day in NZ (the day they signed an agreement with Her Maj to let her have the country in return for her protection - this is the non controversial version of the treaty of Waitangi. In fact there are still a series of treaty claims and it's a big political lever. But this isn't really that kind of blog - google it if you're interested). Anyway the point is I'm at home. And although i have a hint of badger's arse in my mouth from last night's drinking I can at least type a sentence without gagging. That's probably because I restrained myself knowing that I was getting pissed today.
Anyway, which story to start with.....
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